The Sporting Humorist

"It was the strangest thing I've ever seen", said one pound member. "One second he was screaming his head off, the next 'Boom, there goes the dynamite' you know", said another.

They were describing the strangest thing to happen in the Dawg Pound (Cleveland Browns rabid fans who sit close to the end zone) in, maybe forever. A man wearing a No. 16 Joshua Cribbs jersey was exhorting Cribbs' second kickoff return for a touchdown (103 yards) of the day, when suddenly his head literally exploded. Other members of the pound did what any rabid Browns fan would do in such a situation: they covered their beer to keep flying, ahem, debris from falling into it, said a 'hail mary' (the Catholic religious kind; not the kind the Browns heave in futility at most every game this season) and politely removed the headless body so that the next man up could take his place.

The man, identified as Jim Prudhomme of Euclid, was last heard to be shouting, "I've got Cribbs on my fantasy team too. And I get points for return yardage!" Shortly after that, there was a "bow-wow" and then poof.

Cuyahoga County coroner late Sunday ruled the death "an excess of unexpected offensive prowess". Pressed for further explanation, he stated, "it's like someone who takes heroin for the first time, only instead of doing a little bit, he unloads three syringes full of the stuff. Mr. Prudhomme, as with most Browns fans, did not expect such offense on Sunday and his system just couldn't handle it."

Said Mr. Prudhomme's friend, Gin Rome of Parma, "We're not used to seeing Browns set records of the good kind around here. Then to suddenly have two in the same game (Cribbs set an NFL record for kickoff/punt returns with his 8th of the season; Jerome Harrison set a Browns single-game rushing record with 286 yards)? Unbelievable. I guess Jim just couldn't handle the excitement. I'm going to miss him."

RIP Jim Prudhomme. And RIP this type of Browns offensive explosion.

"We will not go gently, we will unleash hell here in December, because we have to..." --Mike Tomlin

After Steelers' coach, Mike Tomlin, uttered those words, his team has continued to lose. Most recently, their losing streak reached one loss for each finger on one hand (5 for you non-math majors) with a inexcusable loss to the Browns. Seriously? The Browns? Mr. "Myoplex I'm Done" at quarterback got them?

People are now criticizing Tomlin for his words. I think their dead wrong. I think Tomlin is a damn prophet.

He unleased hell on Steelers fans.

After a Super Bowl Championship last season, theyre having to endure losses to Kansas City, Oakland and Cleveland, plus getting swept by the Bengals in their own division.

They've had to endure at least one game with Dennis Dixon at QB. Predictably, Dixon looked scared sh**less in the second half when the Ravens pressure started getting after him. I'm sure his pants at the end of that game would back me up.

They've had no Troy P. in their secondary for most of the season. They watched their golden quarterback take a knee shot to the head that any WWE wrestler would've been proud of; then had their veteran wide receiver call said QB out for being a baby and not playing "dinged up".

As if that wasn't bad enough, they've seen hell in their future as they're young wide receivers (Holmes, Sweed & Wallace) have shown absolutely no talent at getting open whatsoever. So when that day soon comes that Hines Ward calls it quits, who would Big Ben be throwing to?

Yep. I would pretty much call that hell for Steelers fans.

Mike Tomlin wasn't wrong. He just unleashed hell in a fashion that no Steelers fan expected. That's all.

Just thought I would give you all a little preview at my next H.I.T.S. column for Fantasy Football Trader. For those of you who don't know...H.I.T.S. stands for Humorous and Informational TidbitS. Yep, came up with that all by myself folks! Ain't I special?

If you want to read the rest in its entirety, go to www.fantasyfootballtrader.com

It's free! That's right, I said F.R.E.E....FREE! Here you go...

Matt Schaub hurt his shoulder on the first play against the Jags this past weekend. He eventually re-entered, but not before we got our first 2009 ‘Sexy Rexy’ Grossman sighting. In fine fashion, ‘Sexy Rexy’ didn’t let us down.

In only a limited number of snaps before Schaub’s return, he managed to complete only three passes (out of nine) and, wait for it again…AN INTERCEPTION! ‘Atta boy! That’s the ‘Sexy Rexy’ we’ve all come to know and feel sick at the sight of. Yes indeed!

Fantasy Take: Seriously?

I live in Cincinnati. Although I'm not a Bengals fan, the Bengals are the game we get every week on television. Pretty standard stuff.

So this past Sunday when the most exciting game of the week possible (Bengals v. Detroit) aired, I watched and didn't think much of it. I mainly watch for the ticker at the bottom which tells me my fantasy football stats and the score to the Texans game (my true team....sigh!).

When it looked like my Texans were going to once again fade into the distance, I actually started paying attention to the simulcast. That's when something startling happened. I realized that I might be hearing the worst football announcer on the planet right before my ears....one Billick, Brian.

In a small amount of time, Billick managed to butcher the score on multiple occassions, confuse names and coup de resistance, attempt to speak Spanish. I haven't heard such an audible announcing train wreck since post-stroke Harry Carey attempting to announce a hispanic players name (doesn't matter who; if the last name was Hispanic, H.C. mangled it.)

At that moment, I knew that the only way to get through a game involving Billick, Brian and a microphone was to drink your way through it. And yes, if you want to drink Coors Light as the beverage of choice, feel free. I've got no sponsorship ties here.

So without further ado, I present to you....The Brian Billick Drinking Game. You college students and degenerates can thank me later.

Rule 1: If Billick mangles a name, drink once. Calling Carson Palmer, Carson Stafford was priceless on Sunday.

Rule 2: For everytime Billick butchers the score, drink twice. The Bengals never trailed from halftime onwards in that game, yet on multiple occasions I heard BB in the second half announce the score with Detroit on top.

Rule 3: Anytime there is Billick and a telestrator involved, you must chug a 12-oz. If you haven't seen him attempt to master the telestrator, you are in for a treat.

And finally....

Rule 4: If Billick attempts to speak a foreign language, you've hit the motherload of unintentional comedy and must take a bong hit. A beer bong; not the Michael Phelps kind of bong. Well...if you want to go with the Phelps' bong you're more than welcome, but don't tell them I had anything to do with it when the cops show up at your door because you've been playing your bongo drums naked too loudly.

BB was attempting to explain that Ochocinco (that artist formerly known as Chad Johnson) was actually not the number 85, but just 8 and 5. The Spanish for 85 is "ochenta y cinco".

I can't even put into words what that sequence was like. There is comedy, hilarity, transcendent comedy and then there's BB trying desperately to say "ochenta y cinco" before heading to commercial. But let's give our guy Billick points for determination. After mauling it several times before break, he gathered himself and destroyed it several more times after the break.

Haven't witnessed anything that sad since they had to put Barbaro down.

Enjoy the game. The drinking one; not the one you are unfortunate enough to have Billick, Brian calling.

So the latest athlete to have to apologize for their actions on the field is New Mexico (or should I say "former" New Mexico) soccer player, Elizabeth Lambert. And customary to all sports apologies, she watered down the apology.

In her case, she went with the "this is in no way indicative of my character or the soccer player that I am" after accepting guilt. The accepting guilt was a forgone conclusion, seein as it was caught on video and plastered all over ESPN, the internet and the world at-large. Then she took the watering down a step further by saying that it was being made a bigger deal than it should be because she's a female.

Oh yeah, nothing says "I'm sorry (but not really)" like playing the race or gender card in your so-called apology. Nice work. Well played, Ms. Lambert.

Here's what I would like see, and I don't care what gender athlete you are. Just once, could we get a heartfelt apology that says:

"Yes what I did was wrong and I take responsibility for my actions. I shouldn't have done it, I apologize to anyone that I might have hurt and I will try not to let it happen again."

No gender or race card being played, or I'm not usually this kind of player, or it's a rough game so you know...(like Floride DB Brandon Spikes' recent eye-gouge apology) and anything else that might delude the issue. That issue being that you stepped over the line, and now you have to pay for it.

Apologizing should not be rocket science!

This was by far the loudest on-the-field “are you f*****g kidding me?” moment of last week. Scratch that; try the loudest of the season so far. Maurice Jones-Drew (aka MJD; aka MoJo Drew) took the Brian Westbrook kneel-down-at-one-instead-of-scoring tactic to a whole new level.

For the uninitiated, Brian Westbrook famously fell down at the 1-yard line in a game last season in order to run out the clock and ice a win for the Eagles, instead of scoring. It instantaneously caused the largest mass coronary in the history of the NFL. Eventhough his maneuver caused more heartburn to fantasy owners than bad Mexican food, they understood his actions. The Eagles were up after all, and it did ensure the victory.

But MJD caused the elusive double-attack with his move this week. The Jaguars were LOSING by one when he pulled his Westbrook imitation. The Jags were on the Jets 2-yard line at the time, and Jets were trying to let him score, so as to have enough time left on the clock to have one last offensive possession.

After fantasy owners came to from the surprise attack they suffered in viewing a losing team purposely putting the game on their kicker’s foot in a notoriously windy stadium, they went down a second time when they realized the ramifications to their fantasy teams of what MJD did. It take a real man to pull of that stunt. So to MJD I say, “Well played”.

(Then again, I don’t own him on any of my fantasy teams this year.)

Fantasy Take: The greatest was hearing MJD apologize to his owners, even stating that he owns himself and probably just cost his own fantasy squad. I wouldn’t worry too much about this. Jones-Drew did have 123 yards rushing on the day, plus a score. He’s racked up 12 touchdowns on the season so far, 860 yards rushing and 220 yards receiving. He’s been everything that you expected when you drafted him in the Top 3.

(This is just a snippet of my soon-to-be-published column on www.fantasyfootballtrader.com. If you want to read more, go to their site and sign up for their FREE newsletter.)